YHAgroup.org.uk

At the last committee meeting it was suggested that the group should have a helpline to assist people, in particular new members, who wish to find out details of the group activities. After the usual interminable discussion, we agreed to give this a trial run and tonight we would like to give you all a free demonstration of this new service.

Caller

That’s it, I’ve had enough, I have to make a complaint to the committee! Now, where is the number for the YHA Group Helpline? On the programme, here we go… (dials number)

Helpline

Welcome to the YHA Group Helpline. In order to add to your annoyance, you have reached an automatic dialling system.
If you have a touch-tone phone, please press 5 on your keypad now.
If you do not have a touch-tone phone please stay on the line while we play you some music and add to your telephone provider’s profits.

Caller

(presses 5)

Helpline

Thank you, your telephone is compatible with our system. To obtain further information about the group please listen carefully to the following instructions.
If you require details about Sunday walks, please press 1
For details of forthcoming Wednesday slide shows, please press 2
If you wish to find out about Wednesday night walks, please press 3 and hold the line until next April
For Cycle ride information, please press 4
If you wish to find out about Hostel weekends, please press 5
To hear our programme of social events, please press 6
If you wish to volunteer to organise an event, please press 7 - although we suspect that the 7 button does not work!
If you want to hear a list of Committee members, please press 8
In the unlikely event that you wish to make a complaint about the group, please press 9
Otherwise, please hold for the next menu

Caller

Complaints, press 9 (presses 9)

Helpline

Thank you, you have selected the complaints department
If you wish to complain that the walks are too long, please press 1
Alternatively, if you find the walks are too short, please press 2
If you think are walks are too easy you are in the wrong group, but please press 3 anyway
If the walks are too hard for you, please press 4 - if you have the strength to do so!
If you wish to complain that the Wednesday night tea is too strong, please press 5
However if you think that the Wednesday night tea is too weak, press 6
If you wish to complain that the speakers are too boring, please press 7
If you would like to pre-book an appointment to ask an outside speaker a question, please press 8, otherwise SHUT UP!
If you wish to complain that this sketch has gone on too long, please press 9
Otherwise please press zero

Caller

I want to complain about how long it takes to make a complaint! (presses zero)

Helpline

Thank you, you are being transferred to a Customer Liaison Officer. Please hold the line and one of our operatives will be with you shortly

(Music plays - Four Seasons, Vivaldi)

Caller

Why is it always the Four seasons?

Helpline

Sorry to keep you waiting. Your call is important to us but all of our Customer Liaison Officers are busy at the moment.
Please continue to hold the line.

(Music plays - Four Seasons, Frankie Valli and the)

Caller

Four Seasons again!

Helpline

We apologise for the delay in connecting you to a Customer Liaison Officer.
Rest assured that you are in a queue. In the meantime please listen to some more music.
If you would like to hear more of the Four Seasons, please press 1
If you would prefer to hear the Spice Girls, please press 2
If your preferred choice of music is Punk, please press 3
If you really want to listen to terry Wogan singing the Floral Dance, please press 4
Thankyou for waiting, we are putting you through now

CLO

Good evening, you have reached the YHA Local Group Customer Liaison Office, Sue Thorpe speaking How may I help you?

Caller

I… I… I’ve forgotten!!

CLO

Tut - another time waster. Thank you for calling the YHA group

Caller

(Hangs up as the music starts…)

(Music plays - Telephone Line, Electric Light Orchestra)

This sketch is reproduced with thanks to Sue Thorpe, who is currently slaving away in Stockport YHA Group’s call centre.